The end of ends...



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You see it here...NOW...

The last play in the trilogy...OR RATHER THRILLOGY....Or threequel...Or whatever

Seriously this is the 3rd and last play in this ridiculous farce. I hope its not too awful.  Well, actually Im counting on how awesome it is.  Its a bit of a departure from my early work...And by my early work I mean a few months ago.

Here it is in all its glory.

Justice Squad

A One-Act

By

Christian Hegg

The Dragon

The Muffin

Bob Dylan

The Fonz

The Referee

The Professor

The Walking Dessert

Ninjas

Police Chief

VO

Lights up. The stage is set with various crates and a trashcan. Loud 70s funk starts playing.

The Dragon (O.S.)

I said FREEZE, SCUMBAG!

The Professor runs across the stage, entering from SR.  The Dragon is hot on his heels. They exit SL. They enter SL, still chasing. The Professor, tweed jacket and all, is trying various juke moves to lose his pursuer. They end up SR

VO

Meet Dan “The Dragon” Dragnet; a cop out to deliver some Hard JUSTICE.

The Professor takes out a switchblade and threatens The Dragon. The Dragon proceeds kick the knife out his hand, and then knocks the Professor out.

The Dragon

Never bring a knife, to a PUNCH FIGHT!

He freezes. The lights dim on SR.

Lights up on SL. The Muffin is playing cards with a ninjas, Bob Dylan and The Referee.

The moment is tense.

VO

Brian MacMuffin AKA The Muffin is a man on patrol. He is bringing the JUSTICE!

The Muffin

Full House!

An extra ace falls out of his sleeve.

A Ninja

No so fast, Meestah Muffin! You are a cheetah!

The Muffin

Yeah, well I was never really good at Parcheesi!

The Muffin proceeds to knock over the table and jumps on it, crushing everyone underneath.

Lights out. 

Lights up on CS where a desk with the Police Chief is on the phone, getting increasingly angry. The Dragon and Muffin sit in chairs in front of the desk.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

Yes….Yes your honor…I understand…

He hangs up the phone.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

GODDAMIT! I got the mayor breathing down my ass and now you two causing all sorts of trouble on the streets.  Kicking a perp in the junk?! Illegal card games?! I’m sick of your so called “police work”!

The Dragon and The Muffin

Chief, I can explain!

Police

I don’t wanna hear it! You two are causing too much trouble on your own! Lets put you together!

The Dragon

I ain’t working with this guy! I work alone!

The Muffin

This guy’s a maniac!

The Dragon

Screw you!

The Muffin

You won’t be able to keep up with me!

The Dragon

Shut up, Strudel!

The Muffin

Its Muffin!

Police Chief

Shut up! Both of you! You’re partners and that’s the end of it! Now get out there! You’ve got jobs to do!

VO

Whether they like it or not, they’ve been put together…FOR JUSTICE…

The Dragon and Muffin get up out of their chairs, face the audience and head down to CS, clearly not happy with the decision.

VO

But soon they realize that despite their differences, they have a lot more in common. WITH JUSTICE!

Woman’s Voice

Help! Someone stop him! He has my purse! Help!

Bob Dylan enters from SR runs across the stage carrying a purse. He runs towards the Dragon and Muffin, where he is clotheslined by the Muffin.

Man’s Voice

Hey! That’s my backpack! That was SO not a fair play!

The Referee runs from SF and is proceeded to get punched and kicked in the junk. Both are carried off by police officers as two stagehands clad in black bring on two rolling office chairs.

The Muffin

I like your gusto!

The Dragon

I like your punches!

The Muffin and Dragon proceed to hop into the chairs and are pushed by stagehands all in black. Their “car” also sports a siren.

Police Band

All units respond! Bank robbery in process!

The Muffin

Step on that accelerator!

VO

The Dragon and The Muffin! Out to distribute some justice…JUSTICE STYLE

Another “car” with ninjas drive off throwing ninjas stars at the Dragon and Muffin cross the stage. The Dragon and Muffin chase them in hot pursuit. They crash their cars and the Dragon and Muffin get out and get surrounded by the ninjas.

The Dragon

What do we do now?!

The Muffin

We pray!

The back screen explodes with an explosion graphic with bold letters reading “THE MUFFIN AND THE DRAGON: JUSTICE SQUAD!” as The Dragon and The Muffin run in slow motion DSC.

Lights out.

This was actually based on another sketch I wrote called Socks and Tank. It was a buddy cop between a guy and a sock puppet. I always loved these buddy cop type movies and I thought why not make one with an inanimate object, but like everything else, its probably been done a dozen times. So with this one, rather than film it, it would be great to see it on stage...And by great, I mean potentially insane.

Its a draw.

So there you go. I finished my trilogy.  Should I send it out? I kind of enjoyed writing a play. Maybe I'll actually write one that is...you know...normal?

That'll be the day.

- C 

And again with the muffins...

The Muffin Vainglorious. A title...Yes...QUITE the title I know.

Like this, only more ninja-y

Yes, I am aware it has been sometime since my last posting. To be honest, I actually finished the 2nd play, The Muffin Vainglorious, shortly after the first one. I think I mentioned I plan on making a trilogy. If I didnt mention it, well, I am writing a trilogy of plays. Again, it will be pretentious and in your face. But seriously? Yeah, I think Im doing it more just to complete something. Something, that probably I shouldnt have written in the first place. But yeah. Its done and I am currently finishing up the 3rd and final play. I think I tried to put as much as I could in this one, and yes, I managed to put in "ninja butterflies..."  Imagine THAT one for a bit. Keep an eye for it.

So here you go...The 2nd in the random and bizzare trifecta that is my writing.

The Muffin Vainglorious

A One-Act

By

Christian Hegg

The Dragon

The Muffin

The Professor

The Fonz

The Walking Dessert

The stage is bare, except for a table and a beanbag chair. 

Hit Me With Your Best Shot plays for 10 seconds.

The Muffin, dressed in all black shuffles on stage. He carries a pie. The music stops.

The Muffin

 I trust the inside of the evolutionary mandates.

He proceeds to eat the pie.

The Muffin

Endless wanton and tirades!

The Professor enters from SR, dressed in a nice classic suit carrying a book.

The Professor

In 1888, the time of the happy wildebeests encroached on the space robots of Toron.

He jumps up and tries to use the book as a flying device. He exits SL.

Video Killed The Radio Star plays.

The Muffin takes out his cellphone, dials, and waits. The music stops

The Muffin

Realizations seep within the ugliness of my soulllll!

Yes, I’ll hold…

He proceeds to do the moonwalk, then jumps on the table.

The Muffin

I will wait indefinitely for the coming of the oncoming…

He hangs up the phone.

The Walking Dessert enters SR.

The Walking Dessert

(in a high pitched voice)

I am a strudel!

She exits SL.

The Muffin

Happy days….They come and go like some sort of beast of creation. Oh what ho! Thusly, yes indeed for sooth.

The Fonz enters SL and crosses to the table. He slams down on it with his fist.

Working For The Weekend starts to play.

The Fonz

Heyyyyyyyeeee!

He exits SR. 

The Dragon enters, SL, with a pair of socks filled with other socks. He crosses to the table.  He hands one to the Muffin. The Muffin jumps off the table. The music stops.

The Dragon

I am the life.  What is the mortal coil we face ever day of the new ideals of the frustrations?  Indeed.

The Muffin

Indeed!

The Professor enters SR with a pair of angel wings on his back. He carries a pipe and book.

The Professor

In 2045, the uprising of the ninja butterflies overcame the silent death of the Children of Appaloosa. It was a marvelous day and much butterflies danced.

Drive ­by The Cars, starts to play.

He proceeds to flap his arms and attempts to fly off stage. He exits SR.

The Dragon and The Muffin meet CS and start flailing uncontrollably, yelling various battle cries. They proceed to fight. Then they freeze. The Fonz enters SR and crosses to the table.

The Fonz

Heyeeeeeeeeeeeee!

He slams the table. Safety Dance starts to play

The Fonz

Heyyyyyyeeeeeeee!

He struts off SL in slow motion. As he exits, The Dragon and Muffin proceed to battle. It is a ridiculously choreographed dance. The Muffin is triumphant.

The Muffin

I am the life! I am Vainglorious.

Black Out.

           

Yes...The Muffin is originally defeated and has come back to get his or her revenge. GOD.  This is really bad. Is it worse than the first? Most likely. I think I wanted more music in this one and it just kind of erupted.  Everything is so...

Wow...Am I reading the same thing? This is really messed up.  Though, I do appreciate that I managed to put the Fonz in a setting that doesn't really change who he is. Still the same guy, just in a different world.

Well, there you go. The 2nd play is now done and I will post the third probably sooner rather than later...Then Ill probably just say screw it, and send it out the various theatre companies and see if anyone will actually produce it...Or lock me up.

I do have some sort of artistic drive behind this play. I mean, I COULD justify it about how chaotic life can be, or how dreams really effect us, or some bizzare form of therapy. I like to write to some extent, and I think I just wanted to see how far I could push the envelope on this one. It is essentially a sequel, with the same characters. I think Im just trying to justify everything so I don't come off as a nutjob...Well...Maybe the play is a BIT crazy, but whats a little craziness...So much for keeping up with this blog, though...

However, I can tell you right now, the third one WILL BLOW YOUR MIND. 

Haha.

Stay tuned...

Genesis

The band...not some the Bible reference, because then I would have to take this blog in a completely different direction.

So the other day, my roommate, Shawn is listening to one of Genesis' early album, Selling England By The Pound,  which needless to say, is a freaking trainwreck. He was actually listening to it for his own blog, The Album DuJour, (thealbumdujour.blogspot.com). Not because he wanted to, but because he wants to have a better understanding of all types of music. Like me, I want to have a better understanding of being more random and....UGHHH...I totally had something there...

Like this, only more pretentious

 Anyways, during our listening, I got overwhelmed by the pretentiousness of the album and started ranting and raving myself. I spouted lyrics like "Annnnd the Dragon eats the muffiiiiin..." Then a light turned on. This is the album that sparked this blog. The TRUTH COMES OUT.

So I decided to write a play....And I DID! HAHAHAHAHAHA...Ok seriously here it is.

The Dragon Eats the Muffin

A One-Act Play

By

Christian Hegg

Cast of Characters:

The Dragon

The Muffin

The Referee

Bob Dylan

The Walking Dessert

The stage is bare, except for a chair and table. On the table sits a small egg timer.

The Dragon, ears, tail, everything, in a tuxedo, enters SR.  He sits, picks up the egg timer and sets for a certain amount of time.

DRAGON

What sooth! I hunger for the life.

A random track off of Genesis’ Selling England By The Pound starts in the background.

DRAGON

Oh life that cherishes the small things…Thusly…

Bob Dylan, sunglasses and guitar, enters SL.  He comes down to CS.

           

BOB DYLAN

(Incomprehensible singing)

He exits SR

DRAGON

I hunger for the life.

Another random track off the Genesis album starts playing.

DRAGON

The life I seek and its small platitudes. Thusly, I must pursue it at all costs. I want to dance the life to see it trip the Fandango.

Another random track plays.

The Dragon starts to dance, not at all with the music. It is hauntingly beautiful.

The egg timer goes off. The music stops.

The Dragon sits back down. He resets the timer.

Bob Dylan enters from SL. He comes down to CS.

                                               

Bob Dylan

(Incomprehensible singing)

He exits SR.

The Muffin enters from SR. It is dressed in all brown and carries a muffin in each hand. He climbs on top of the table and stands tall. The timer goes off.

                       

The Muffin

Choose life. It is hilarious. Dance the thousand dances. With me.

Another random track plays for 10 seconds. Then stops.

                       

The Muffin

Life is a chosen discovery we must use to find the answers. I welcome it. I am the life.

The Referee, dressed as a traditional referee, enters from SL. He walks and raises both his arms and blows the whistle. It’s a touchdown! He runs to reset the timer.

The Walking Dessert comes in SR. She is glorious.

The Walking Dessert

(in a high pitched voice)

I am a parfait!

She exits SL.

Another random track plays for 5 seconds. Then stops.

The Referee exits SL.

The Muffin

Sanctity and choice. They are the brother and sister of the fandango.

The Dragon

Thusly.

Bob Dylan enters yet again. This time he has a kazoo in the place of his guitar. He comes down to CS. The timer goes off.

Bob Dylan

(Incomprehensible singing and kazoo playing)

Another random track plays. Bob Dylan starts dancing like he has ants in his pants. He then runs up to the table, high fives the Dragon, then exits SL. The music ends.

The Dragon

We are all pawns in the life of choosing. I seek the wondrous lights of tomorrow and yesteryear.

The Muffin

I am the calling of the hour. We must destroy our wants and needs.

He proceeds to eat the first muffin.

The Dragon

I will destroy us in order for life to continue.

He eats the second muffin.

The Referee comes back on stage, carrying two plastic lightsabers. He hands the Dragon and Muffin each a lightsaber. The Dragon and Muffin come CS. The Referee stands between them. He blows his whistle and dances crazily.

Another random track starts playing. The Dragon and Muffin start fighting. The Dragon wins.

The Dragon

I am life. I have eaten the muffin.

Black out

I hope this gets produced. Doubtful. Random thoughts on paper. I found when I was writing this, things just came to me...That, and I wanted to be as annoying as possible in writing. All of it kind of makes no sense. Who am I kidding? None of it does. After I wrote it, I read it and was shocked by the actual structure. I think when it came to creating some sort of arc, I probably succeeded. Ha.  This as far from serious I thought I could get. The thing is, there are probably people out there that will probably take this first one seriously. That would be something.

Wow...This play is REALLY bad. Ha.

Stay tuned.

Let's get it started...

I love theatre. Notice how I spelled it TRE not TER.  Thats right. I went there. Enter SR.


Buy my cookies and read my plays.



Famous playwright Tom Stoppard once said, "Every entrance is an exit somewhere else..." Clearly, he meant "Christian, you are an actor...Write plays..." He was totally talking about me. True story.

Anyways...Theatre...Yes...Love it. As early as I can remember, I have always enjoyed this art form.  Since I saw my very first production, which happened to be a Shakespeare play called "The Comedy of Errors," I have made a point of keeping it a part of my life. I would go on to perform in plays and musicals alike throughout high school, major in theatre in college and continue to tackle its many forms to this very day.  I have managed to act, design and even direct plays and the like. I have to say again. I love theatre. I love the ability to create and bring all the pieces together. To be on stage is one thing, but seeing everything come together is a beautiful and magical thing. Kind of like when you realize that you can get Netflix on your Wii. Its fantastic. Beautiful and magical. 

After being a part of most of the processes, I realized that there was one thing I never really tried...Which was to write a play. Will they be good? Heck no!

Now, granted, I am not trying to make a name for myself as a playwright. To be honest, I just want to write for fun and see what happens. Its a very organic process for me and I really want to explore that.  I have seen many different shows and ideas that have come alive on stage. However, I have never had the time or patience to create something of my own for the stage. As far as writing, I have written a couple of unproduced sketches so I have SOME experience. Well, I wouldn't call it experience. More like "Hey! Look at me! I'm funny! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHehhshhehhhhuhuhuh (insert desperate sobbing)..."

Lets start with this disclaimer. These plays that I write are in no way meant to be taken seriously. However, to some, they could be taken seriously as some sort of Dada-istic, Post-modern, triumphs of the human mind or whatever. That...or they're just signs of how insane I can be...Or hilarious...Its a fine line. But seriously...I don't want your playwright friends giving me a hard time because I'm making fun of them. Please. I'm really writing to make them look even better.

To reiterate: these plays are my attempt to be totally pretentious and in your face. And most likely hilarious. I made sure of it. In the end, I have half a mind to send these as a compilation to various theatre companies and see if any of them will actually get produced. Doubtful, but a man can dream...and possibly not get his plays produced. Did you know thats the real phrase? Seriously...It was originally, A man can dream...then fight Joseph Gordon-Levitt upside-down. Ha.

So heres the deal...I am writing 3 plays...A trilogy...A THRILLOGY...No...wait..A TRIFECTA of plays. Yes. Lets see if I can actually do it..
Lets get started.