Gritty reboots and some other things to be had...

Man, I have not written in this blog for a while. These days, I am working on my web series, Super Life, doing a different show every season, or occasionally doing theatre reviews on my other blog, Muffin Eats Dragon.

Why start another one when I am doing (sorta) another blog about Boston theatre?  Well, the truth is, I need a place to talk about my adventures and observations about my life in the artistic world. Granted, it is very easy to start heading into a negative place with writing, so I want to avoid that. The last few posts have been pretty negative, silly or outright ridiculous.  Those posts were from a while back, so if you feel the need to go back read them, be warned: I make little to no sense in them. Just to give an idea of what the blog used to be specifically, scroll down to the post before.  I wrote silly plays.  Going to try to avoid that.  But, if you wish to produce any of them for some insane reason, check out the first parts, here and here. Let me know. I will be really surprised if someone decided to produce them. Seriously. Strange time in my life.

Anyways, I feel that the Boston artistic scene has been very kind to me. I have been fortunate to have been a part of so many great shows and projects.  However, sometimes, I get confused or find some things to be fairly unusual in my journeys as an actor, singer and now producer. Or, its really a chance for me to talk about things that I see and observe.

So! Going forward, my observations will be based on my personal experiences and my opinions. Thats right. Just my opinions. You, as the reader, may agree or disagree with me, but isn't that the point?  Also, I just want to start writing again. I forget how fun that is, especially because there is so much to talk about.  

A gritty reboot might sound a bit ridiculous, but going forward, I plan on revamping everything and start talking about some fun, confusing, frustrating, silly and most importantly, crazy things I see in this artistic world around me.  I call "RESET".

Anyways, again, going forward. New words. New challenges. New feels.

Stay tuned.

The last, the great....THE FURIOUS

And here it is...as promised...The last play I will ever write.

Seriously...THIS POTENTIALLY IS MIND BLOWING

Justice Squad

A One-Act

By

Christian Hegg

The Dragon

The Muffin

Bob Dylan

The Fonz

The Referee

The Professor

The Walking Dessert

Ninjas

Police Chief

VO

Lights up. The stage is set with various crates and a trashcan. Loud 70s funk starts playing.

The Dragon (O.S.)

I said FREEZE, SCUMBAG!

The Professor runs across the stage, entering from SR.  The Dragon is hot on his heels. They exit SL. They enter SL, still chasing. The Professor, tweed jacket and all, is trying various juke moves to lose his pursuer. They end up SR

VO

Meet Dan “The Dragon” Dragnet; a cop out to deliver some Hard JUSTICE.

The Professor takes out a switchblade and threatens The Dragon. The Dragon proceeds kick the knife out his hand, and then knocks the Professor out.

The Dragon

Never bring a knife, to a PUNCH FIGHT!

He freezes. The lights dim on SR.

Lights up on SL. The Muffin is playing cards with a ninjas, Bob Dylan and The Referee.

The moment is tense.

VO

Brian MacMuffin AKA The Muffin is a man on patrol. He is bringing the JUSTICE!

The Muffin

Full House!

An extra ace falls out of his sleeve.

A Ninja

No so fast, Meestah Muffin! You are a cheetah!

The Muffin

Yeah, well I was never really good at Parcheesi!

The Muffin proceeds to knock over the table and jumps on it, crushing everyone underneath.

Lights out. 

Lights up on CS where a desk with the Police Chief is on the phone, getting increasingly angry. The Dragon and Muffin sit in chairs in front of the desk.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

Yes….Yes your honor…I understand…

He hangs up the phone.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

GODDAMIT! I got the mayor breathing down my ass and now you two causing all sorts of trouble on the streets.  Kicking a perp in the junk?! Illegal card games?! I’m sick of your so called “police work”!

The Dragon and The Muffin

Chief, I can explain!

Police

I don’t wanna hear it! You two are causing too much trouble on your own! Lets put you together!

The Dragon

I ain’t working with this guy! I work alone!

The Muffin

This guy’s a maniac!

The Dragon

Screw you!

The Muffin

You won’t be able to keep up with me!

The Dragon

Shut up, Strudel!

The Muffin

Its Muffin!

Police Chief

Shut up! Both of you! You’re partners and that’s the end of it! Now get out there! You’ve got jobs to do!

VO

Whether they like it or not, they’ve been put together…FOR JUSTICE…

The Dragon and Muffin get up out of their chairs, face the audience and head down to CS, clearly not happy with the decision.

VO

But soon they realize that despite their differences, they have a lot more in common. WITH JUSTICE!

Woman’s Voice

Help! Someone stop him! He has my purse! Help!

Bob Dylan enters from SR runs across the stage carrying a purse. He runs towards the Dragon and Muffin, where he is clotheslined by the Muffin.

Man’s Voice

Hey! That’s my backpack! That was SO not a fair play!

The Referee runs from SF and is proceeded to get punched and kicked in the junk. Both are carried off by police officers as two stagehands clad in black bring on two rolling office chairs.

The Muffin

I like your gusto!

The Dragon

I like your punches!

The Muffin and Dragon proceed to hop into the chairs and are pushed by stagehands all in black. Their “car” also sports a siren.

Police Band

All units respond! Bank robbery in process!

The Muffin

Step on that accelerator!

VO

The Dragon and The Muffin! Out to distribute some justice…JUSTICE STYLE

Another “car” with ninjas drive off throwing ninjas stars at the Dragon and Muffin cross the stage. The Dragon and Muffin chase them in hot pursuit. They crash their cars and the Dragon and Muffin get out and get surrounded by the ninjas.

The Dragon

What do we do now?!

The Muffin

We pray!

The back screen explodes with an explosion graphic with bold letters reading “THE MUFFIN AND THE DRAGON: JUSTICE SQUAD!” as The Dragon and The Muffin run in slow motion DSC.

Lights out.

Thats right...Its a freakin 

That Looks Chilly! A review of "The Grey"

"Rosebud"

Remember that movie where Jack Donaghy and Hannibal Lecter had to fight that bear?  No? Oh then you probably know them as their secret identities, Alec "double punch" Baldwin and Sir Anthony "Muthafucka"Hopkins.  That movie was the killer nature masterpiece, "The Edge."  Recently, a similar looking movie was just released starring Qui Gon Jin AKA Liam Neeson fighting wolves in the frozen Alaskan tundra or just Alaska, since "frozen" and "tundra" are just synonyms for "anything north of America". The movie was directed by Joe Carnahan, best known for "Smoking Aces" and the remake of "The A-Team" In the trailer we saw Liam Neeson strap a bunch of broken bottles and a knife to his fists.  Then we heard wolves growling. This was obviously going to be an amazing movie based on the fact that we were about to see the same man who trained Batman take on 50 wolves with his knifey, sharp glassy fists.

I couldn't have been more wrong.  The posters only showed Liam Neeson's angry and bruised face, which lead me to believe that this movie would be something along the lines of "Castaway" meets "The Edge" meets "The Tempest".  But happens instead? Hollywood strikes again.  It turns out that the movie miles away from my dream movie, "Castaway on the Edge during a Tempest." What we got instead was Liam Neeson playing John Ottway, a sniper for an oil drilling facility killing any wolves that attempted to bum rush and attack.  It implied that many wolves were stupid enough to try multiple times to attack the facility, which contradicts something later in the movie.  On his last day, he heads home via plane with all the other workers, but because this movie isn't called "Alaskan Flight 511 to Anchorage and Nothing Goes Wrong" the plane crashes killing everyone except Liam Neeson, 5 guys and a homeless looking Dermont Mullroney.  They discover that they actually crash landed into an area that unfortunately for them,  is where a pack of wolves have marked off as their hunting area. Fortunately for the wolves, this is super convinient for them because they love eating humans.  As far the cast, the best part is the fact that none of these guys are distinguishable from the next other than the size and color of their beards. Plus a lot of them didn't seem all that interesting to the plot, therefore when the wolves starting picking them off, I started rooting for the wolves. The wolves in this movie didn't attack at once, but rather chose to systematically pick everyone off slowly because this was going to be a 2 hour movie.  Because we were already 20 minutes into the movie, Neeson becomes default hero because his face was on the movie poster. He has to lead the remaining survivors away from the crash and into the tundra to a forrest, clearly forgetting that wolves are faster and possibly more vicious then humans.  My favorite moment is as they were leaving the crash site, one member wanted someone to say a prayer or something for all the dead oil drilling workers. "They were all good men...Or whatever.." one said, I think. Not at any point do they acknowledge the flight attendants or pilots who horribly died or almost died, then got devoured by wolves.  Apparently we needed to see more of the snow and Alaskan wilderness, which had more personality then the remaining cast.

We are also subjected to really quick and abrupt flashbacks throughout the movie of what appears to be Neeson's characters' wife, then we are jerked back to reality. It was like Carnahan watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and thought it would be good to add.  It was a really poor choice executed lazily. It really felt that this was an artsy attempt to give substance to Neeson's character. The whole time during the movie I was wondering who he was. At least with his other movies we get to see that hes a former cop/assassin/ninja/jedi knight. If anything we see he happens to have an extensive knowledge of wilderness and sniper training.  We get a taste of awesome marksmanship skills early on, but then for some reason, we never see it again. Well golly, thanks there. In the first part of the movie we see him take out a wolf with a sniper rifle at a oil drilling facility. I think we got that part.  I just wanted to know more.  His performance is full of the usual Neeson bona fide baddassery, sprinkled with his gravelly and Irish pipes. His acting dial at times was perpetually stuck on "reluctant hero with hints of sage wisdom" but he does his darnedest to bring this character to life. The other men are just crude archetypes of typical male characters, who aren't even given the common courtesy of any development, other than a few stories about their pasts and the last person they boned, which is clearly a regret that all men feel when they are faced with death and the unknown.  Yes, they bond, only after presenting themselves as a bunch of insecure and one-dimensional wolf kibble. Then again, with all the bonding and story telling, I was surprised that the wolves didn't get tired of waiting around. They were stupid enough to run into sniper fire earlier in the movie, but not smart or hungry enough to just partake in their frozen food buffet.
There is a good deal of philosophical material throughout the movie, dealing with faith, family and making a stand. A lot of the time, it felt shoe-horned in, like someone piggybacking on a decent joke. I felt it was a really lousy and lazy attempt to give the story some bigger meaning. Newsflash. There didn't have to be one.  I can only imagine the director felt that 2 hours of Neeson and 5 guys fighting off wolves just by itself wasn't going to appeal to audiences, therefore he needed to fix something that wasn't broken.  The director tries to take the survialist genre and tried to add little tones of mortality, faith and other unnecessary themes that ended up hurting the potential this simple action movie.  Adding an artsy feel to a movie is not a bad thing. Just make it a different movie. However, taking away from Neeson's wolf-punching and stabbing extravaganza with half-baked attempts to give the story substance is a greater crime than trying to give a great movie a sequel. I bet if they made this movie with Howie Long or Mario Van Peebles, all that heavy-handed underlying thematic fodder would not even be considered.  In fact, I would've been happy with those two guys teaming up to fight bears AND wolves and call it "The Grey Edge 2: Blizzards of Fury and Wild Animal Fighting."

I guess I expeced this movie to be different, but I guess that is my flaw as the average movie goer.  I see a poster and a trailer promising one thing, but then get something completely different.  In conclusion, the movie let me down in the story and character department, which is not surprising these days in Hollywood, especially if you've gone to the movies in the last 5 years, or let alone been alive for the last 5 years. The setting and the idea for an awesome human vs. nature battle was already there, but the powers that be went in completely different direction, significantly hurting the potential masterpiece of one Liam "Where's My Lightsaber" Neeson. If making all my movie decisions based vague posters and strategically cut trailers is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Changing AGAIN

OK so this blog has managed to become a theatre play blog, where I spouted off nonsense in play form, a chance to rant about stupid crap that bugged me, and now finally, the Crama Review.  You know that phrase, Dramedy? You know, when you combine Drama and Comedy? Well I decided to combine it in different way...Crama. Comedy and Drama. Or should it be Coma?  Ooh. Thats better.

The Coma review...What is this? Ok, so I started writing movie reviews for Geeky Universe, an online geek magazine with movie, tv, video and comic book reviews. (http://www.geekyuniverse.com)  I decided to take a more serious tone like I do for theatre review blog (http://muffineatsdragon.blogspot.com).

However, I have this urge to write a no-holds-barred review of movies, putting a comedic spin.  I think I will be less angrier then my last post about Live Action Quidditch.  Did you read that one? It sounded like I had just been attacked by a gang of Quidditch players...or I was severely drunk...Or both...Anyways...

Here we go. I just did a review on a recent movie, so lets see what I can write about this time!

Just because it sounded like a good idea...

 I really enjoyed the Harry Potter books. Seriously. I read all seven books and loved how simple they were to read and how compelling a lot of the stories and characters were. I even saw the movies. As someone who enjoys fantasy and strong fiction, I became a fan. A couple months ago, I caught the last movie with my girlfriend, and it was the 2nd time I decided to see it. It was good. Heck, all the movies were great. Some stronger than others, but all in all, it was nice to see the end of the series brought to a strong close.  And that was that.

Why?

About a year ago, I found out about live-action Quidditch.  Remember that sport from the books? With the brooms, the flying...things...and the golden flying thing? Or something. Let me repeat that. Apparently, there is a league...In the real world, that does live-action Quidditch.  You are probably thinking to yourself, "How would they do that?"  That, or you probably just don't care. I don't either, but I think its worth bringing up the futility of this "sport".  In our real world, last I checked, we didn't have any magical crap that would allow us to do stuff like this.  If we did, I'd probably be writing a completely different blog called "Live-Action Quidditch Gives Me More Joy Than Riding a Pink Dragon."  But we don't. 

How do they play this "sport"? When I first caught a video of it on Youtube, I didn't believe it was real. Aside from the fact that I didn't know what was going on half of the time, it highlighted the fact that there was an "Intercollegiate League".  That means college...This "sport" is being played all of the country at some the finest institutions in our country. I honestly thought that this would be the last I'd see of it.  Fast forward a few months at the Boston Common, I couldn't believe what I saw.  You can guess. College students. Playing Quidditch.  The whole game as described from the books. Minus sanity. And anything resembling the actual game itself, like the flying. Which will never happen, no matter how hard you clutch the broom between your legs. So many things were going on. Running drills. Throwing balls through hoops.  Someone dressed up in all gold running around. Thats right. Someone who was willing to dress in all gold and run around and pretend to be the snitch. And be serious about it. No flying objects. No brooms. No magic. What the hell? When was this considered a good idea? Someone, or a group of someones, decided that reading and enjoying the books wasn't good enough.  I can only picture how THAT conversation went:

Random College Kid 1 : Those Harry Potter books were some of the finest pieces of literature I have ever read.
Random College Kid 2: Indeed. I found them ever so engaging. But you know what was my favorite part of these facinating books that depicted such a struggle of youth and the battle of good vs. evil?
Random College Kid 1:  The strong character developments?
Random College Kid 2: No, my good sir. Quidditch. That, my dear friend, should exist in real life.
Random College Kid 1: Oh yes. I can't see anything wrong with trying to make that real.  We have brooms, grassy knolls and we can surely build the rest of the things we need. We have friends who can help us in this seemingly fantastical endeavor.
Random College Kid 2: Yes. We must do this as it will surely catch on and no one will ever make fun of us.

And so it was born.  Remember being in college? Picture yourself, or rather someone random from school you knew, running around with a piece of wood between their legs, throwing balls and spazzing out.  This is by far one of the most idiotic things I have witnessed.  I understand that they wanted to create something fun and from what I gathered, they really do look like they're really enjoying themselves. That is surely commendable. For about 30 seconds. But you know what's also fun? Not playing Quidditch and playing a real sport. But there are college students who do it. From schools all over this area. And the country. And there are people who come see this. Oh yes.  Did I mention that there are fans? And uniforms for the teams? What? Was there nothing to do that day in the city? Let me rephrase that. Was there nothing to do in the city that didn't require watching people flail about screaming magical obscenities at each other? I only wonder if there was one who realized that this was silly idea and was banned because he/she wasn't magical enough. Or they realized that they were right. I recommend you read that last paragraph again, in case you blacked out from the stupidity..

Freaking live-action Quidditch.  I'm going to start reading "Game of Thrones" again.

Taking it to this...

So I think I'll be taking this blog in a new direction.

I debated that I was going to create another blog, yet have ANOTHER one floating out there. I already have two. If you haven't read the other one, DO IT.

This blog will be a chance for me to go all NO HOLDS BARRED.  Which I never really understood. Seriously. I don't even know what that means. Do you?  Anyways, this blog will be a chance for me to not only write with a little more razor-wit, but I will start commenting on things I see that really bug me.  Also, I will be continuing to write my theatre review blog, but instead, have footnotes commenting on various things that were too hot for TV, ie observations and snide comments that will essentially be my way of observing things in a new light.

That being said...

The end of ends...



Add firey awesomness



You see it here...NOW...

The last play in the trilogy...OR RATHER THRILLOGY....Or threequel...Or whatever

Seriously this is the 3rd and last play in this ridiculous farce. I hope its not too awful.  Well, actually Im counting on how awesome it is.  Its a bit of a departure from my early work...And by my early work I mean a few months ago.

Here it is in all its glory.

Justice Squad

A One-Act

By

Christian Hegg

The Dragon

The Muffin

Bob Dylan

The Fonz

The Referee

The Professor

The Walking Dessert

Ninjas

Police Chief

VO

Lights up. The stage is set with various crates and a trashcan. Loud 70s funk starts playing.

The Dragon (O.S.)

I said FREEZE, SCUMBAG!

The Professor runs across the stage, entering from SR.  The Dragon is hot on his heels. They exit SL. They enter SL, still chasing. The Professor, tweed jacket and all, is trying various juke moves to lose his pursuer. They end up SR

VO

Meet Dan “The Dragon” Dragnet; a cop out to deliver some Hard JUSTICE.

The Professor takes out a switchblade and threatens The Dragon. The Dragon proceeds kick the knife out his hand, and then knocks the Professor out.

The Dragon

Never bring a knife, to a PUNCH FIGHT!

He freezes. The lights dim on SR.

Lights up on SL. The Muffin is playing cards with a ninjas, Bob Dylan and The Referee.

The moment is tense.

VO

Brian MacMuffin AKA The Muffin is a man on patrol. He is bringing the JUSTICE!

The Muffin

Full House!

An extra ace falls out of his sleeve.

A Ninja

No so fast, Meestah Muffin! You are a cheetah!

The Muffin

Yeah, well I was never really good at Parcheesi!

The Muffin proceeds to knock over the table and jumps on it, crushing everyone underneath.

Lights out. 

Lights up on CS where a desk with the Police Chief is on the phone, getting increasingly angry. The Dragon and Muffin sit in chairs in front of the desk.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

Yes….Yes your honor…I understand…

He hangs up the phone.

Police Chief AKA The Walking Dessert

GODDAMIT! I got the mayor breathing down my ass and now you two causing all sorts of trouble on the streets.  Kicking a perp in the junk?! Illegal card games?! I’m sick of your so called “police work”!

The Dragon and The Muffin

Chief, I can explain!

Police

I don’t wanna hear it! You two are causing too much trouble on your own! Lets put you together!

The Dragon

I ain’t working with this guy! I work alone!

The Muffin

This guy’s a maniac!

The Dragon

Screw you!

The Muffin

You won’t be able to keep up with me!

The Dragon

Shut up, Strudel!

The Muffin

Its Muffin!

Police Chief

Shut up! Both of you! You’re partners and that’s the end of it! Now get out there! You’ve got jobs to do!

VO

Whether they like it or not, they’ve been put together…FOR JUSTICE…

The Dragon and Muffin get up out of their chairs, face the audience and head down to CS, clearly not happy with the decision.

VO

But soon they realize that despite their differences, they have a lot more in common. WITH JUSTICE!

Woman’s Voice

Help! Someone stop him! He has my purse! Help!

Bob Dylan enters from SR runs across the stage carrying a purse. He runs towards the Dragon and Muffin, where he is clotheslined by the Muffin.

Man’s Voice

Hey! That’s my backpack! That was SO not a fair play!

The Referee runs from SF and is proceeded to get punched and kicked in the junk. Both are carried off by police officers as two stagehands clad in black bring on two rolling office chairs.

The Muffin

I like your gusto!

The Dragon

I like your punches!

The Muffin and Dragon proceed to hop into the chairs and are pushed by stagehands all in black. Their “car” also sports a siren.

Police Band

All units respond! Bank robbery in process!

The Muffin

Step on that accelerator!

VO

The Dragon and The Muffin! Out to distribute some justice…JUSTICE STYLE

Another “car” with ninjas drive off throwing ninjas stars at the Dragon and Muffin cross the stage. The Dragon and Muffin chase them in hot pursuit. They crash their cars and the Dragon and Muffin get out and get surrounded by the ninjas.

The Dragon

What do we do now?!

The Muffin

We pray!

The back screen explodes with an explosion graphic with bold letters reading “THE MUFFIN AND THE DRAGON: JUSTICE SQUAD!” as The Dragon and The Muffin run in slow motion DSC.

Lights out.

This was actually based on another sketch I wrote called Socks and Tank. It was a buddy cop between a guy and a sock puppet. I always loved these buddy cop type movies and I thought why not make one with an inanimate object, but like everything else, its probably been done a dozen times. So with this one, rather than film it, it would be great to see it on stage...And by great, I mean potentially insane.

Its a draw.

So there you go. I finished my trilogy.  Should I send it out? I kind of enjoyed writing a play. Maybe I'll actually write one that is...you know...normal?

That'll be the day.

- C